It’s like a photograph! It’s uncanny!
- Me: Thunersee, Switzerland
- Her: I peed a little.
- Me: y'know lack of bladder control is a sign of old age
- Her: and scary movies, goddamn you!
- Me: I never peed from a scary movie
- Me: but then, I have a young man's bladder
- Me: oh, that reminds me
- Me: someone I follow posted this thing from a newspaper where 4 year olds were asked how they would make the world better
- Me: one little girl said "I would be barbie, or a princess and people would give me things and everyone would be happy"
- Me: and this little boy just said "More magnets"
- Her: aaahahaha
- Me: and y'know what? the boy is fuckin' right.
- Me: how could you self-detonate with a bunch of magnets in your hand?! it's too awesome to martyr yourself for!
- Her: You couldn't, it's physically impossible.
- Me: we should drop leaflets over Iraq and Afghanistan that read "There are no magnets in suicide bomber heaven"
- Her: If I were them, I would counter with "there aren't 70 pairs of boobies in magnets"
- Me: it's 72. plus, they're all virgins. Who wants to sleep with a virgin?
Fuck you, rape whistle, I ate me some Nachos Bell Grande!
- Her: Oh, so I tried explaining to my Canadians that since guys do such a good job of getting people away from them by farting, if I could reproduce this in some way, I could use it as a self-defense mechanism
- Her: But the problem is that I'm not very farty
- Her: Oh great, now you're not talking...
- Her: This already happened to me once today, while I was telling my Canadians this story...
- Her: This is giving me fart story anxiety
- Me: I'm listening...
- Her: Ok so, I was saying that I could just wear whatever the hell I want to all the time and walk around in dark alleys in the middle of night, confident in knowing that if anyone went after me, I could fart them away
- Her: fuck you, rape whistle, I ate me some Nachos Bell Grande!
- Her: like that
- Me: right
- Her: and I was saying that as a result, you could fart on a guy and step over him as he lay on the ground and while he exploded, your hair looks all sexy in the explosion-wind
- Her: and hold on, I wanna tell you how long it was before anyone spoke...
- Her: THIRTY GODDAMN MINUTES!
- Her: And I even tried to diffuse the situation by pointing out that I had a dream last night that I was in a serious relationship with a midget, and then my house caught on fire, and I used that as excuse to break up with the little guy
- Her: So I feel like I did everything I could.
- Her: I mean, what do they want from me, I wasn't talking about genocide or child-soldiering
- Me: right, but that's something that if you don't respond to it, you're an asshole.
- Me: whereas fart-defense fantasies, and midget dreams...They're just now aware of how weird you really are.
- Her: Also, I think licking, or threatening to lick, is also a good form of self-defense
- Me: only because you have a tongue designed for it
- Her: and I just read a thing about awkward moments on hyperboleandahalf about licking close-talkers, which I feel confirms my theory
- Her: But it also created an awkward moment because I laughed really loud, and I could hear that the people outside stopped making noise...
Any. Second. Now.
- Me: this morning, I made a magnetic lightsaber and walked around making lightsaber-y noises whilst wearing my jedi robe.
- Me: Pretty sure I'm gonna get laid any second now.
Confounded by reason.
- Her: Don't confuse me with your reasonableness!
- Me: too late! it's in your braaaaaaain
- Her: Your face is in my brain!
- Me: well that's kinda weird, but yay!
- Her: Your face is kinda weird but yay
- Me: that's for true
A ticking ugly time bomb.
- Her: Nnnnnnnnooooooo, Sarah Conner got so oooooooold!
- Me: did you think she, and thus you, would stay young forever?
- Her: Well she shouldn't look that bad!
- Me: how bad does she look?
- Her: I didn't even recognize her for a while. Then I noticed some resemblance. Then I thought about it. Then I was horrified.
- Me: one day we'll both have people doing that for our faces
- Her: eye bags, neck wobble, etc
- Her: Nooo, she is aging poorly.
- Me: you think your genes are any better? look at your mother!
- Her: So... you just called my mother ugly... and said I was a ticking ugly time bomb...
- Me: happy birthday to meeeeee!
- Her: It's not your birthday yet!!
- Me: oh fine, early birthday
- Me: sheesh
- Me: anyway, I was kidding
- Her: Right, so you're still just a dick
- Her: You said I was gonna be ugly!!
- Her: I'm already neurotic!!
- Her: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!
- Me: a sister just crazy enough to stab somebody for me.
- Me: stab, but not kill
- Her: Cheese and crackers, you could have just asked nicely!
- Me: hahahahahaha
- Me: Do you honestly think you're ugly, or something?!
- Her: YES!
- Her: JEEEZ!
- Me: you have clearly gone over the deep end, then
I'm not correcting my typo because it adds to the joke.
- Her: YOU calm your tits!
- Me: I already dd!